Monday, September 29, 2003
BLUE WONDERS
I have been forced this today, born of last weeks musings on fuzziness and coffee, to contemplate drug dependency.
HIV meds rituals...necessity rather than a lifestyle choice....
norimode - my taking of it to secure a social life - taken recreationally..
wonderful blue assistants. Viagra... again, medical qualification here... - HIV meds and copndition do seem to have reaction to sexual libido and performance... - anecdotal more becoming known...
Viagra... - heading out, 'ill just have a nibble on a bluey' before headign out, just in case.....
Recreational ccktails of others m,ight be a line of charlie to start the eve.. chin an E and then hone in the trip with a cuple of bumps of K.... several Espresso spike my mood and get me jigging (a couple of Vodka chasers help too).. secure the fun 2 or three pills of Loperamide (actually quite an addictive opiate..) and to end the evening - if its fashioning into something spiked with sexiual tensions, a quarter of a viagra.......
I have been forced this today, born of last weeks musings on fuzziness and coffee, to contemplate drug dependency.
HIV meds rituals...necessity rather than a lifestyle choice....
norimode - my taking of it to secure a social life - taken recreationally..
wonderful blue assistants. Viagra... again, medical qualification here... - HIV meds and copndition do seem to have reaction to sexual libido and performance... - anecdotal more becoming known...
Viagra... - heading out, 'ill just have a nibble on a bluey' before headign out, just in case.....
Recreational ccktails of others m,ight be a line of charlie to start the eve.. chin an E and then hone in the trip with a cuple of bumps of K.... several Espresso spike my mood and get me jigging (a couple of Vodka chasers help too).. secure the fun 2 or three pills of Loperamide (actually quite an addictive opiate..) and to end the evening - if its fashioning into something spiked with sexiual tensions, a quarter of a viagra.......
Tuesday, September 23, 2003
FUZZY
Its been quite a strange and unclear day for me today. A day where my thoughts don't seem to have come as fully into focus as they usually do - leaving me a little directionless and 'infertile' compared to more fruitful and practical days. It figures then, that much of my day has been spent fiddling and browsing on the internet... Fuzzy seems to be a good way to describe my feelings and actions today...
Whilst I trying to think about why I felt this way, I have been forced to contemplate that I might be a little addicted to caffeine. I did have quite a few large strong cafe lattes when I got up and, Indeed, i do tend to drink quite a few more cups of coffee and tea than average. And I am wondering whether one of the consequnces of this, might be this sense of unclarity...
I have also started to question whether or not this feeling (I've had it before) might relate to some of the medications I am taking. Its mostly anecdotal, but I have heard that AZT and other drugs can have an affect on memory and thought patterns...
Either way, I am forced today to acknowledge that my capacity for clarity (if ever it was that clear) and my ability to think or act decisivley and clearly migth be compromised. I dont like that and I think I should try to do something about it..
I shall start by trying to drink less coffee. It might also help if I spent less time mindlessly pfaffing on the internet!!
Its been quite a strange and unclear day for me today. A day where my thoughts don't seem to have come as fully into focus as they usually do - leaving me a little directionless and 'infertile' compared to more fruitful and practical days. It figures then, that much of my day has been spent fiddling and browsing on the internet... Fuzzy seems to be a good way to describe my feelings and actions today...
Whilst I trying to think about why I felt this way, I have been forced to contemplate that I might be a little addicted to caffeine. I did have quite a few large strong cafe lattes when I got up and, Indeed, i do tend to drink quite a few more cups of coffee and tea than average. And I am wondering whether one of the consequnces of this, might be this sense of unclarity...
I have also started to question whether or not this feeling (I've had it before) might relate to some of the medications I am taking. Its mostly anecdotal, but I have heard that AZT and other drugs can have an affect on memory and thought patterns...
Either way, I am forced today to acknowledge that my capacity for clarity (if ever it was that clear) and my ability to think or act decisivley and clearly migth be compromised. I dont like that and I think I should try to do something about it..
I shall start by trying to drink less coffee. It might also help if I spent less time mindlessly pfaffing on the internet!!
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
GOOD NEWS/BAD NEWS
My wheelings and dealings on the virtual Celbdaq market have now become a daily activity. In the past I have worried about the rises and falls of my cd4 counts and viral loads, but now it seems I worry more about the rise and fall of David Blanes and Ben Affleks... I amaze myself sometimes, at how i can be so distracted by the lure of things on the net....
My previous investments in Marylin Mansun didnt pay off by the way. Its always the case when celebreties are let off the hook and live, for the time being, happily ever after! - he was recently found not guilty in a court case, and thus the papers were not interested and so no virtual dividends for me as measure by few column inches of newspaper gossip Its the bad news that is the good news as far as this game is concerned.
And so I have learnt that you have to be ruthless in this virtual game if it is to 'pay out'. You have to invest in the real misfortunes and milk them for all their worth.
And so to the poor Williams siblings, Venus and Serena. The death of their poor sister has led to a goldmine in virtual dividends and share hikes this week. If only, of course, you can cope with the guilt of investing in them, and play the further sick game of playing the price of one famous sister off against the fame of the other...
Im sorry to say I've made a fair few virtual bucks out of them... and I'd do the same again if it meant that for a while I could continue to romanticise of an owned penthouse, that Audi Quattro, and a high-rolling lifestyle free of germs and disease....
My wheelings and dealings on the virtual Celbdaq market have now become a daily activity. In the past I have worried about the rises and falls of my cd4 counts and viral loads, but now it seems I worry more about the rise and fall of David Blanes and Ben Affleks... I amaze myself sometimes, at how i can be so distracted by the lure of things on the net....
My previous investments in Marylin Mansun didnt pay off by the way. Its always the case when celebreties are let off the hook and live, for the time being, happily ever after! - he was recently found not guilty in a court case, and thus the papers were not interested and so no virtual dividends for me as measure by few column inches of newspaper gossip Its the bad news that is the good news as far as this game is concerned.
And so I have learnt that you have to be ruthless in this virtual game if it is to 'pay out'. You have to invest in the real misfortunes and milk them for all their worth.
And so to the poor Williams siblings, Venus and Serena. The death of their poor sister has led to a goldmine in virtual dividends and share hikes this week. If only, of course, you can cope with the guilt of investing in them, and play the further sick game of playing the price of one famous sister off against the fame of the other...
Im sorry to say I've made a fair few virtual bucks out of them... and I'd do the same again if it meant that for a while I could continue to romanticise of an owned penthouse, that Audi Quattro, and a high-rolling lifestyle free of germs and disease....
Monday, September 15, 2003
SHOWERED WITH KISSES...
I now realise, like most gay londoners have done for years it seems, that if yr feeling low on a Sunday, theres nothing like an afternoon and evening at the Royal Vauxhall Tavern for a guaranteed love in. Indeed, the stream of warmth and feeling flowing at around six o'clock can be as predictable as some of Dame Edna's take-offs,- as glittery and (semi-)precious as one of her sequined smocks. Dame Edna, by the way, is the dragged-up stage act who begins the evening with a comedy music routine....
The reaction of the crowd seems a bit similar to that of pavlogs dog.. A bunch of shirtless luvlies so honed to the knowledge of an emotive, sexual, cathartic reward that the atmosphere turns on a song... As Ednas theme tune purports, to the sheer delight of the gay hundreds, its like dancing in the rain and being showered with kisses.....
Sorry if I now get all Academic and theoretical but I have a brain, and for a few hours this sunday I was forced to wholeheartedly agree with the writer Bakhtin and his musings on the cathartic and liberating effects of what he terms carnivalesque. For thats exactly what the RVT was.. It was all there, the drag, the music, the sick humor, the scatalogical and, well, numerous side-shows... What fun it was, and how it serves to re-invigorate and re-centre the waylaid soul.....
I now realise, like most gay londoners have done for years it seems, that if yr feeling low on a Sunday, theres nothing like an afternoon and evening at the Royal Vauxhall Tavern for a guaranteed love in. Indeed, the stream of warmth and feeling flowing at around six o'clock can be as predictable as some of Dame Edna's take-offs,- as glittery and (semi-)precious as one of her sequined smocks. Dame Edna, by the way, is the dragged-up stage act who begins the evening with a comedy music routine....
The reaction of the crowd seems a bit similar to that of pavlogs dog.. A bunch of shirtless luvlies so honed to the knowledge of an emotive, sexual, cathartic reward that the atmosphere turns on a song... As Ednas theme tune purports, to the sheer delight of the gay hundreds, its like dancing in the rain and being showered with kisses.....
Sorry if I now get all Academic and theoretical but I have a brain, and for a few hours this sunday I was forced to wholeheartedly agree with the writer Bakhtin and his musings on the cathartic and liberating effects of what he terms carnivalesque. For thats exactly what the RVT was.. It was all there, the drag, the music, the sick humor, the scatalogical and, well, numerous side-shows... What fun it was, and how it serves to re-invigorate and re-centre the waylaid soul.....
Thursday, September 11, 2003
MONEY SPINNING
Recent virtual earnings from Celebdaq. would indeed come in real handy of late: I've now made more than £1300 pounds off the in/adversity of celebs such as JLo, Britney, and Beyonce - now theres a random name generator product if ever i saw one.... (Marylin Mansun is yet to pay off - but his shares are on the rise.....)
I say I could do with the money because it appears I really am broke! lately I've got into the routine of not checking my bank statements and inadvertently didn't realise that some of my state benefits had been stopped since August, pending the reciept of some information. My bank, seeing my situation before I did, took it upon themselves to up my overdraft limit - and so for the past month I've been withdrawing money willey-nilley not realising that its all been borrowed from the bank. Theres a lesson for me to be learned here! Open those bank letters when they arrive!... Thankfully the issues have been resolved and backpayments of benefits will put paid to the debt....
In the meantime I've taken to thinking about other ways in which I can make a little money on the side. Whilst flitting through the internet I came upon an interesting site and with a few minutes of digital manipulation and typing.......... You've read the Pozblog... now buy the merchandising !!
Recent virtual earnings from Celebdaq. would indeed come in real handy of late: I've now made more than £1300 pounds off the in/adversity of celebs such as JLo, Britney, and Beyonce - now theres a random name generator product if ever i saw one.... (Marylin Mansun is yet to pay off - but his shares are on the rise.....)
I say I could do with the money because it appears I really am broke! lately I've got into the routine of not checking my bank statements and inadvertently didn't realise that some of my state benefits had been stopped since August, pending the reciept of some information. My bank, seeing my situation before I did, took it upon themselves to up my overdraft limit - and so for the past month I've been withdrawing money willey-nilley not realising that its all been borrowed from the bank. Theres a lesson for me to be learned here! Open those bank letters when they arrive!... Thankfully the issues have been resolved and backpayments of benefits will put paid to the debt....
In the meantime I've taken to thinking about other ways in which I can make a little money on the side. Whilst flitting through the internet I came upon an interesting site and with a few minutes of digital manipulation and typing.......... You've read the Pozblog... now buy the merchandising !!
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
INCHES
In a flurry of inactivity and boredom this weekend I came by the website and internet game of Celebdaq. Here you are invited to invest in celebrities as shares - You are given 10,000 virtual pounds and can make or lose money, based on deliberations of which VIPs are hot or not, risers or fallers, according to the predilections of the British press and the number of column inches they are given….
I’ve not been doing too badly as a beginner. Indeed, the £275 pounds I have virtually earned myself in the past 48 hours would have been a godsend in the real world. I made it through a rather shrewd investment in Britney Spears who’s share price soared in media value when video footage revealed her taste for diet pills.. George Clooney has been a bit of a money spinner too, it turns out, following his announcements that he can’t find a woman. I made the investment not because of a market whisper, but because HEY, I’m gay, I fancy him and Ill spend my pink pounds however I damn choose….!
I would have made a some more money had I not decided - rather strangely is seems - to invest 4000 nicker in Marylin Mansun. !…. My wonkey eye is for a bargain, tho - and he’s my ‘working girl’ big selling idea. When the jury comes back with his guilty verdict for Frottage theres gonna be a media free-for-all goldmine!!…..Shhhhhh keep it to yourself….
All this talk of media values and inches has led me to get my own ruler out in an aim to review my own blog writings by subject and popularity: - a POZDAQ if you like. It makes for insightful reading….
Highest on my index it seems are the subjects of excrement and drugs. If I’m not wittering on about yesterdays bad night out because of someone’s trips on K or E, I’m bemoaning my own dependence on Loperamide and its centrality to my viral condition. That and other medications. Traders will insist, however, that I’m British with a British sense of humour, so poo, farts and writing about them are bound to come up as frequently as takeover bids… Nights out and clubbing make for a fair investment too, followed by the themes of the internet, my love life, home life and my hatred/dependence on state handouts….…
OK the largest and most central topic of all is my HIV status, and that goes without saying ..But on the whole I can only remark at how normal and human I come across as. All that’s missing, it seems, from my index are a few odd inches of moans about work, maybe a few more topical reflections on politics, and the odd reference to a car. Such penny-in-the-pound market fillers, however, are more than adequately displaced by my highly more valuable lust for life and sense of self-improvement. All I need now, maybe, are a few more buyers……
In a flurry of inactivity and boredom this weekend I came by the website and internet game of Celebdaq. Here you are invited to invest in celebrities as shares - You are given 10,000 virtual pounds and can make or lose money, based on deliberations of which VIPs are hot or not, risers or fallers, according to the predilections of the British press and the number of column inches they are given….
I’ve not been doing too badly as a beginner. Indeed, the £275 pounds I have virtually earned myself in the past 48 hours would have been a godsend in the real world. I made it through a rather shrewd investment in Britney Spears who’s share price soared in media value when video footage revealed her taste for diet pills.. George Clooney has been a bit of a money spinner too, it turns out, following his announcements that he can’t find a woman. I made the investment not because of a market whisper, but because HEY, I’m gay, I fancy him and Ill spend my pink pounds however I damn choose….!
I would have made a some more money had I not decided - rather strangely is seems - to invest 4000 nicker in Marylin Mansun. !…. My wonkey eye is for a bargain, tho - and he’s my ‘working girl’ big selling idea. When the jury comes back with his guilty verdict for Frottage theres gonna be a media free-for-all goldmine!!…..Shhhhhh keep it to yourself….
All this talk of media values and inches has led me to get my own ruler out in an aim to review my own blog writings by subject and popularity: - a POZDAQ if you like. It makes for insightful reading….
Highest on my index it seems are the subjects of excrement and drugs. If I’m not wittering on about yesterdays bad night out because of someone’s trips on K or E, I’m bemoaning my own dependence on Loperamide and its centrality to my viral condition. That and other medications. Traders will insist, however, that I’m British with a British sense of humour, so poo, farts and writing about them are bound to come up as frequently as takeover bids… Nights out and clubbing make for a fair investment too, followed by the themes of the internet, my love life, home life and my hatred/dependence on state handouts….…
OK the largest and most central topic of all is my HIV status, and that goes without saying ..But on the whole I can only remark at how normal and human I come across as. All that’s missing, it seems, from my index are a few odd inches of moans about work, maybe a few more topical reflections on politics, and the odd reference to a car. Such penny-in-the-pound market fillers, however, are more than adequately displaced by my highly more valuable lust for life and sense of self-improvement. All I need now, maybe, are a few more buyers……
Monday, September 08, 2003
FROM ONE RUSH TO ANOTHER
Another week over and the few blogs posted of late are a testament to a current period of slight inertia on my part. September and its cooler climes have well and truly marked an end to a fantastic summer. College has started back and is humming along, but theres little there to maintain an interest that I would call avid or passionate. The lack of a significant other to plan my weekends around is increasingly showing its harder side. And things generally remain much the slow-same at home...
Its as if the huge tsunami of wonderfulness that the summer presented to me and upon which I rode is now all awash and i'm stuck in the waters. If I dont rush onwards a recessive tide will pull and suck me backwards. But which direction to now run in and how to assist myself in the knee-deep waters?.....
The only things which seem to be steaming ahead at full flow, I'm sorry to say.. have been my bowels... It hasn't helped that I still continue to suffer from the stomach problems of a month ago. Either I have a persistant gastric bug or my body has become now resistant to the Norimode I have consistently fed it to keep some control over my 'movements'. This has been a slightly depressing reminder that the wonder drugs might not last forever. Better thus, to act now, while I still can.....
My bowel problems have at least highlighted and reminded me of yet another interesting phenomenon that attends HIV sufferers. Knowledge of available public toilets and conveniences. . You may or may not have experienced that moment when you know (and I mean 'know') that if you don't reach a toilet in 2 minutes you are seriously going to embarrass yrself. Well that moment can occur quite regularly for the HIV sufferer as the virus and the antiviral drugs wreak havoc with yr digestive system and the mechanisms that tell your brain you need the mens room. And it obviously gets worse if the Norimode or anti-diarrhoetic (the spelling too is shit!) doesnt happen to work. Thank heavens, then, for a network of public conveniences and restrooms.
Just in the same way that the contestant must come up with the answer in the 5 seconds after the questioner has posed the winning teaser, so the HIV sufferer must think when pressed of the nearest loo: and theres no passing in this game!. If worst comes to worst, and yr in the High street, you can always guarantee the proximity of a Macdonalds and the small luxury of a steady a supply of toilet paper. That is if you can negotiate the obstacle manageress who assumes, since you're B-lining straight for the toilets instead of the big-macs, that you must be a junkie. If its your lucky day, the whiff of weak coffee will conote the presence of a nearby Starbucks and, praise be to God, a disabled toilet. With a hand basin and paper towels no-less.. OK the starbucks coffee may be crap, but the toilet facilities are to die for....If your'e not on a high street, then more lateral thinking is required... Pub? Betting shop? Library? bush?....
I was very nearly 'caught short' the other day whilst heading home from Clapham Junction train Station. I was out of the station, through the ticket barriers and the mall via the Cornish Pasty and Pie shop - casually down to the bus stops heading Brixton way when whoosh - the call was very clearly heard, nay, almost felt. My response was automatic! My head turned radar-like to detect the nearest potential respite, like Superman searching for a phone-booth or swing-door!.. I saw Macdonalds in the distance, but experience kept my head and radar circling for a few more seconds past Marks and Spencers (no - not this branch) and Woolworths (never) in the search for a more amenable solution. And there it was- Arding and Hobbs . An old faithful.
If Allders department stores only knew how many times their fourth floor facilities have come to my aid - Their loos in their Clapham Junction store have been refurbished too!.... Maybe I should start writing a HIV guide to useful public lavatories in London. I know, I'll come up with a rating system using little silver toilet rolls instead of gold stars. And hey, maybe the Terrence Higgins Trust will sponsor the project.....
Another week over and the few blogs posted of late are a testament to a current period of slight inertia on my part. September and its cooler climes have well and truly marked an end to a fantastic summer. College has started back and is humming along, but theres little there to maintain an interest that I would call avid or passionate. The lack of a significant other to plan my weekends around is increasingly showing its harder side. And things generally remain much the slow-same at home...
Its as if the huge tsunami of wonderfulness that the summer presented to me and upon which I rode is now all awash and i'm stuck in the waters. If I dont rush onwards a recessive tide will pull and suck me backwards. But which direction to now run in and how to assist myself in the knee-deep waters?.....
The only things which seem to be steaming ahead at full flow, I'm sorry to say.. have been my bowels... It hasn't helped that I still continue to suffer from the stomach problems of a month ago. Either I have a persistant gastric bug or my body has become now resistant to the Norimode I have consistently fed it to keep some control over my 'movements'. This has been a slightly depressing reminder that the wonder drugs might not last forever. Better thus, to act now, while I still can.....
My bowel problems have at least highlighted and reminded me of yet another interesting phenomenon that attends HIV sufferers. Knowledge of available public toilets and conveniences. . You may or may not have experienced that moment when you know (and I mean 'know') that if you don't reach a toilet in 2 minutes you are seriously going to embarrass yrself. Well that moment can occur quite regularly for the HIV sufferer as the virus and the antiviral drugs wreak havoc with yr digestive system and the mechanisms that tell your brain you need the mens room. And it obviously gets worse if the Norimode or anti-diarrhoetic (the spelling too is shit!) doesnt happen to work. Thank heavens, then, for a network of public conveniences and restrooms.
Just in the same way that the contestant must come up with the answer in the 5 seconds after the questioner has posed the winning teaser, so the HIV sufferer must think when pressed of the nearest loo: and theres no passing in this game!. If worst comes to worst, and yr in the High street, you can always guarantee the proximity of a Macdonalds and the small luxury of a steady a supply of toilet paper. That is if you can negotiate the obstacle manageress who assumes, since you're B-lining straight for the toilets instead of the big-macs, that you must be a junkie. If its your lucky day, the whiff of weak coffee will conote the presence of a nearby Starbucks and, praise be to God, a disabled toilet. With a hand basin and paper towels no-less.. OK the starbucks coffee may be crap, but the toilet facilities are to die for....If your'e not on a high street, then more lateral thinking is required... Pub? Betting shop? Library? bush?....
I was very nearly 'caught short' the other day whilst heading home from Clapham Junction train Station. I was out of the station, through the ticket barriers and the mall via the Cornish Pasty and Pie shop - casually down to the bus stops heading Brixton way when whoosh - the call was very clearly heard, nay, almost felt. My response was automatic! My head turned radar-like to detect the nearest potential respite, like Superman searching for a phone-booth or swing-door!.. I saw Macdonalds in the distance, but experience kept my head and radar circling for a few more seconds past Marks and Spencers (no - not this branch) and Woolworths (never) in the search for a more amenable solution. And there it was- Arding and Hobbs . An old faithful.
If Allders department stores only knew how many times their fourth floor facilities have come to my aid - Their loos in their Clapham Junction store have been refurbished too!.... Maybe I should start writing a HIV guide to useful public lavatories in London. I know, I'll come up with a rating system using little silver toilet rolls instead of gold stars. And hey, maybe the Terrence Higgins Trust will sponsor the project.....
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