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MAGHREB - AL - AKSA!
I've decided today that Moroccan is the new Thai.
For the past week I've been hooked on this new Moroccan Chicken Soup that the Covent Garden Company have as their monthly flavour. Its just gorgeous. Not only that, - if you add a bit of extra meat, a few chopped up apricots, chilli and chick-peas it can be easily mistaken for a home-made Tagine.... -What normally takes forever to cook and costs the earth with those pickled lemons can now be ready in a jiffy and for half the price! So no more lemon grass and coconut milk for me - or my guests!... Out with those yellow curries - Im on the road, as they say, to Morocco.... - The next time I'll serve it in honor of Bob Hope, may he RIP - Well, I know plenty of guys who'll jump at the chance to dress for dinner as Dorothy L'amour.....

GET THE PICTURE....
"I love my mom and dad and my brothers too and the groovy way we get along...."

I've spent much of this morning taking a trip down TV memory lane. The journey was set into play by my comment to a friend at the LA3 Boatparty saturday night that a woman there looked like Zelda from Terrahawks. This inspired me to search the net for a picture..and while doing so I came across the site TVCREAM.....

The rest of my AM was thus taken up revisiting cartoon programmes of my childhood - and downloading their very memorable themetunes. Who can forget Wait Til your Father Gets Home.... (Lyric above) and Help its the Hair Bear Bunch.... ( "In the Wonderland zoo..There are certain bears who....Help Help here come the bears...Lets split"... ). It seems cartoons and animation have a very substancial part in the way I Map and record my memories. Hannah Barbera have a lot to answer for. I'm almost embarrased to admit that such mapping extends even to my late teens and twenties; So many saturday mornings after "Fanriffic" (Hong Kong Phooey) friday nights out before to remember, I guess....

And so In honour of HB, here is my mantra of the Week.....

"By the power of Greyskull.......I have the power!!!!!!!"

I did the deed this evening and 'finished' with A. He's taken it kinda hard, and I dont blame him. After all he was the one who was more eager for our relationship to develop and I was always the one holding off because I didnt want to enter into anything serious. So for me to finish with him on the basis that I did now want a bit more passion and stablity in my life (but not with him) It figures hes a bit confused...

.....And so am I, I guess! On the one hand I feel OK because I've actually gone ahead, confronted my feelings and tried to stear a path to what I want. On the other hand, though, I feel bad because I dont want to lose someone who has been very open minded in accepting me for who I am. He has become very dear and close to me over a period in which I've flourished and substancially discovered myself too. As much as I feel like phoning him up and telling him it was all lies and that I love him, I know that deep down I've made the right decision and should stick with it. If he values me according to those precise things which have led me to value him, theres no reason why we cant be enduring friends. As much as I know I can't be his passionate companion, life-long lover, I do know that I can and will be his loving friend, - and that he will always be a positive part of my life. I can only hope, in this regard at least, he feels the same way.......

MONDAY MORNING
Monday morning. and sharp intake of breath as reality dawns. Pride and the week leading up to it has severely depleted my financial coffers.
Theres a storm of dirty laundry forming a drift up the side of my bedroom wall that needs washing....and with all that traipsing over Hyde park at the weekend my lounge carpet looks like the set of Animal Farm. I need to get a cleaner and a job to pay for him!.....

PRIDE WEEKEND
- A lot to be proud of......and one or too things that I'm not too proud of....
First, it appears that I have a few readers now and, indeed, my first complaint: - I don't seem to write as much as I used to. Thank you for that - and my apologies. - What with my holiday and my great mood these days, it appears I have had little time for computer based stuff such as blogging. When I've come down from my holiday high I'll be aiming to return to writing as normal. I've been finding the whole process of Blogging my thoughts very therapeutic and I'll admit I'm starting to miss the routine of my morning writing sessions... Its nice to think, though, that what I write has an appeal and an audience broader than myself...

I've been very proud to be Gay this weekend too. Yesterday was Mardi Gras and for the first time in a while I've been thoroughly happy to celebrate that. The march in London was fun to watch and the party in Hyde park was great even if it was raining most of the time. Nothing like seeing masses of open gay umbrellas bobbing up and down in unison to Kylie Minogue as a sure sign of a British Gay Pride.. So nice to be bumping into so many people I know, arranging to meet up with them at various times - unlike previous years when all I seemed to do was bump into guys I knew through M. A sure sign, I guess, of how much I've moved on and the good circle of friends I've developed...

..I was also amazed at how many guys I knew seemed to want my company in a much closer sense! Friends or passing flings that I'd met over the year who seemed happy on this occasion to communicate stronger feelings towards me. This became a bit sticky a few times as people seemed to jostle for my attentions, including A. This was the first time I'd seen him since he got back from his holidays in Greece this Friday. One might have thought, given the time apart, that more effort would have been given to us getting together- but not so. On Friday night, A seemed more interested in sorting his weekend drugs out - and today seemed not too bothered about making me as meaningful a part of his day as I might expect from someone wanting me to call him his boyfriend. I wasn't particularly bothered either (something else I'm not proud of) - and I guess this is a sure sign of my growing realisation that as much as I value A and his friendship, I'm not in love with him and dont want to have a more committed arrangement with him. The passion and intimate involvement I found on holiday seems to have had a real affect in reminding me of what its all about and what I lack with him. And so I guess its time A and I had that chat about where we're headed.....

CARRY ON DOCTOR
Uh oh here we go. Doctors appointments later today, and the results of my bloods.....
Turns out no reason for worries - some nice figures: - undetectable viral load and a CD4 count of 670! Great news! So doctor and I just chat for a while, - a brief discussion on lipodistrophy and if it has anything to do with the look of my tits; a chat about my rather unusual Quad drug therapy and whether or not we should tinker with it; a gossip about herpes and and the use of prophylactic drugs at such high CD4 counts. We agree, as usual that nothing is worth changing as I'm doing so well... Ho hum see you at Christmas then doctor......

And there we have it. A life threatening illness, controlled, co-ordinated, neatly doctored and packaged away in 35 minutes. And how wonderful that feels. I even decide not to pick up my drugs today thinking that, like my HIV, they would be just one or two niggling bits of baggage in my lifes adventure today and lately....

HOLIDAY HEAVEN 2

A few other fab memories that Iv'e been thinking about over the past few days that I dont want to forget....

...The guy on the beach with the cigarette holder and 'Adonis' rhinestoned on the back of his speedos. How this led to laughing and joking with the Aussies about what we might do with bedazzler machines ......
...AM at the Romantic and all those queens who worked extra hard to look their best for breakfast....
...Trying to explain to the Germans what a 'Mullet' is...
...The Bourbon bar and its barman. Just what was that pole above the till for?...- and will someone steal the bloody pea from his whistle.......
...."Pull up...Pull up" no, not the sound of an In-flight altimiter alarm. - The sound of my 'slouchometer' alarm sitting at the Parrot Bar!....
...having so much fun at the foam party, squeaky soggy trainers and all! - everyone having very stingy skin the day after on the beach....
.. just having a generally fun time, having people come over, chat, pass the time of day...as if thats the way it always is....
... a lovely LOVELY frenchman licking my elbows....

HOLIDAY HEAVEN 1...
Well I'm back, and I'm beaming from ear to ear. One of the best short holidays I've ever had its fair to say.
What started out as an intention to have a 'lads holiday' turned out to be so much more than that. Friends, laughs, yes sex and ,shock, even a foam party... but a romance? - now that was unexpected....

Its amazing what sun sea and sand can do to bring out the boyz - and in a gay resort it can engender in men a sense of real friendliness and commonality. And thats exactly how it felt this vacation..- like being on holiday with family and friends. I don't think I've ever felt so at ease with myself as during this week at Sitges, and my sense of self love and fun seemed to have real impact on others... First on C, also experiencing his first -non-partnered holiday. Second on the 2 Australians and 2 Germans who we befriended and who became best pals for the first 4 days of the week. Third on a most beautiful frenchman who, for a while, I was abslolutely besotted with. For all of these lovely and interesting people I felt a strong sense of giving of myself - with no worries or fears of consequence. As if quite literally, I was on holiday from some of the usual barriers that prevent me being myself and happy about it. - And the consequences in terms of friendships, trust and intimacy were a wonder for me to behold. A true high.

On the last day I was quite tearful. Almost ridiculously so. I tried to explain why i was weepy to C. I told him that it was as if over these last few years of living with M (and the diagnoses and the HIV etc) I had gotten so to the point of living with his anger and unfriendliness, that I had started almost to believe M's criticisms of me as hardened, vindictive, incapable of friendships and intimacy. And so to have all of that so wholeheartedly disproved, to have a self so definitley reflected in the joyous others that I had met and touched, it felt as if I had been unburdened, allowed to feel again.. I guess I needed that holiday!!

One of the nicest things on the last weekend came from two Swedish guys who always sunbathed behind us on deckbeds. "Thank you" they said to me, "for being so happy and smiling every day. Every one else seems so sour and unfriendly.. you were a highpoint on the beach this holiday and looked as if you were really enjoying yourself...."

And so to my beautiful frenchman.....
Imagine the scene: Eyes meet across a beach. They toy with each other for a while, but mine and my smile can't hide the feelings that lie behind them. I think to myself "I want and will have that man...". We bump into each other later that night at a bar. He thinks I'm with a boyfriend and just flirting for kicks. I put him straight and ask him if he would be so kind as to come chat with me on the beach the following day. He does and so begins another wonderful day of flirting, eyes seeking each other and the loveliest of laughs and smiles. We meet several times in the water, where our intimacy grows and we talk of our sexual interests couched in food metaphors. I like spit roast, (- he laughs when I explain that to him...) - he likes his meat cooked well on both sides. I know exactly what he means... Another day over and he intimates that he will be heading out tonight.... I spend the rest of the day thinking about his lovely face and body, hoping that I bump into him. Later that day I do bump into him, we chat alot about private - ex partners and so on, getting closer by the minute. We move to a more crowded bar, and as we move through the crowds to find a spot he grabs and holds my hand... From there the proximity gets closer and eventually steamier, as in the absence of an empty hotel room (we both share) the evening ends very intimately on the seashore... The most perfect end to a perfect day as we agree not to fully consumate how we feel in a way that would somehow undermine it. I honestly dont think I've ever met anyone so at ease with himself and so wonderfully at ease with me.

The following day I'm floating in heaven. At the beach early and can't wait to see him again. He arrives, comes over, and we spend much of the day in each others arms, snogging on the beach, splashing and flirting and almost having sex again in the sea....Or romance ends that evening as we bump into each other the night before he leaves. We dance the night away - hes a smooth mover - and hug and promise to write. and I think to mself "I wanted....and got that man....."

I've already written him a couple of emails - I simply couldnt resist writing him to thank him for renewing my faith in intimacy and for how he has made me feel. He's written me back with photos already too, saying that his reactions and feelings were only born out of my actions towards him. I haven't told him yet that he has been the first thing on my mind when I've woken up the past few days. I might tell him that, though....eventually....

SUMMER HOLIDAY
Well I'm all packed and ready for my hols..... Some last minute running around required, - I'd run out of Norimode and had an urge to buy some new beach flipflops - but all sorted now. Just the long wait 'til tomorrow morning.. I've invited some friends over to help me polish off what remains in the fridge and break the monotony...
I'm dead excited. I know its only a holiday in Sitges, but I somehow feel as if I'm about to embark on a trip into some unexplored territory - a boys holiday with my mate, C... So I guess its bon voyage... I'll see if I can find a net cafe while I'm there and blog a postcard...!

MS EGO MASSEUR (XP VERSION)
The best word to describe me today would I think be FRISKY.
The weekends coming up, and to measure by recent times its gonna be fun. Not only that, Shortly after the weekend I will be going on my holidays (YEAHHHH!) - a week of sand, sea, sexy men wearing very little and, hopefully, plenty of sun...
I noted the dates of my holiday in my MS WORKS calendar, assigning the week alarm tag to it. This was primarily to give myself plenty of reminders to order my currency, extra medications, sun creams and so on (- but as I was excited about it, such holiday tasks were sorted ages ago). Since last week, however, I have recieved a musical fanfare and the message "yeahhh! holiday" whenever I have turned on my computer. A silly thing, you might think, but that little message has cheered me up no end...
And so now I've started typing in other reminder messages to myself so that they ping up from time to time on my computer. It appears, thus, next thursday I have a 5 O'clock appointment with 'Sexiness'.... and the message that I recieve each morning is "PHWOOOAR YOUR A STUNNER!!". This is followed by midday and midnight reminders.
I wonder if Microsoft ever foresaw that their calendar programme would ever be used as a self-complimenting programme. Maybe they should re-brand it as the MS Ego Masseur......

VERBAL DIARRHOEA
Incursive. - Isn't that a lovely word? - it just rolls off the tongue!.... Here are some other interesting words and synonyms that i've used today: Invasive; encroaching; intrusive; inroading; proliferating.....
I've been going through my DLA forms before I post them off and constructing a covering letter in one last ditch attempt to positively influence my claim... OK I may be ill and my mental faculties may eventually leave me, but I'm hoping to be eloquent, loquacious, and wordy to the last.......

WHATS IN A NAME
These fabulous weekends are becoming a little bit of a habit now....
First, on Friday I find a trail to someone in Australia who very definitely has read my blog and I find that very heartening. I know his name - Hartley - what a nice name -and as part of his blog he points out that if you are wiley, computer literate, ..and bothered..., you can discover mine. Clearly if any of my writings move someone to thought or action they are doing the trick- and even more so if they encourage thoughts on the value of good health and therapeutic communication. So I'm very chuffed and I here thank this reader for stopping by!...
A good way to start my day, I think, and the inspiration continues when my friend, K, visits for coffee. I choose to tell him of my status, knowing he is HIV+ too, and we have a good chat and sharing session... A very sexy Gaydar meet in the afternoon goes similarly well. I wont bother to give him a name or letter as I certainly won't see or mention him again.. I move into the evening with a workout with my good Gym buddy, C (who doesnt know my status but very soon will!) followed by drinks and a dance in south London with my significant other, A. (he seems to know absolutely everything about me, including my status, and I love him for it). Whilst out, I meet and befriend another chap. Lets call him X, but it must be said I did end up spending most of saturday, sunday and monday with him, - hes a very lovely and interesting chap, and so I'm contemplating calling him P instead of X as P seems so much friendlier. I Havent decided, yet, whether or not, or when and where I will tell him my status. Enough said....
All in all a fantastic weekend as I recall my varied and friendly inter-relations with people. Phew!, - I seem to have run the A to Z of friendly exchanges from anonymous and polite to very intimate and sordid, with long-term, short-term, old friend and new friend varieties in between... How lovely it is, I now contemplate, to experience the fulls of social communication. Yet how sad, that its record, its trace, its celebration in this blog should be so dehumanised by the presence of alphabetical letters as stand-ins for such loving personalities.
I am here reminded of a preface to a book, where it is written "No names have been changed in this book to protect the innocent - as no-one is ever innocent..." I've probably misquoted, but I think the author is Kurt Vonnegut - and I'm certainly not worried about writing his name here because hes famous, and to quote the author again - he couldn't give "doodly squat". None of my super friends are innocent, either, judging from what they told me they got up to this weekend - but I will prefer to keep them anonymous anyway. After all, and I think this is a more pertinent quote - "it is not the name of a thing that is meaningful but the thing in-itself... such is the case of Beauty"...Such is also be the case for Friendship; and in my anonymity, my lack of naming it is my varied friendships which I seek to protect. The quote, I think, is from Joshua Reynolds' "Discourses", by the way; and at university I assigned him the nickname "Debbie".....
Oh! -If you want my name simply email me and I will give it to you. Id hate to think of anyone backwards trawling through Google or algebraically working out my complex yet magical relations of As, Bs, X, Y and Zs....
..... and if you see my friend C, please dont tell him my status, because I would very much like to do that myself when the time is right.....