POZBLOG

SUMMERS HERE....
Its been a long and warm day here in London and one that I dont think i shall forget so easily...
I woke to shouts of "I'm leaving" coming from M's bedroom next door. (M is my flatmate who up until 3 years ago was my long-term partner. After we split up as a couple of 7 years, we were in a stuation where it was easier, although not ideal, for us to continue living together.) I thought in some dreamy reverie that M was telling me he was already heading out to the park without me, in the hope that it would entice me out of my bed - wonderful sunshine and the promise of an early tan, etc.. But M didnt mean that kind of leaving, - he meant that he was really leaving. Apparently he has finally received appointments for declaring himself homeless and being re-housed in a flat of his own. I shed a few tears, on the quiet, and I think he did too. End of a very big era to contemplate and so on... The news bought an edge to the day as the excitement and slight anxieties of futures unknown contended with the simpler rush of a the first day of summer sunbathing in the park. Funnily we've been the best of friends today. I really can't remember the last time I consciously acknowledged enjoying a day spent with M. Always so bogged down in our own issues and disagreements we have often failed to see some of the more simple pleasures of domesticity and togetherness - or at least I have - and it was this, I feel which drew us apart. But not today and tonight. He's in his bedroom now with his new 'boyfriend' trying on going-out clothes. I'm on the computer writing this and perving a few stunners on Gaydar.. Like everything should be... All three of us have just had dinner (I cooked, they cleared up) after a super day in the park ogling the boys, being silly and doing what urban gay blokes do. We're all a little pink from the sun and a couple of long vodka tonics, - and in that rosy glow before the clubs we contemplate the beginnings of a glorious summer and more fun ahead of us..........

HTM HELL
Ive just been fiddling with the layout of my blog to try and make it look interesting. Clearly I lack the knowledge to turn this space into something far more stylish and appropriate a look for the gay man about the internet. Look - its 4.45 in the morning and all I've managed to do is change the color of my date headers to orange!- thats the gay HTML blog equivalent to knowing how to border your lounge with stencilling! If only there was the kind of assistance similar to what you see on British TV nowadays for home interiors. There'd be a "Changing Blogs" - where 2 bloggers exchange turnkeys and procede to wreck each others sites with the help of 2nd rate web designers. Then there'd be "blog front" - 20 mins on software furnishings, stylish code accessories and a featurette on hit counters, followed by a 10 minute article from a guest programmer in the vein of Jocasta Innes on Non-Dithering color effects and code equivalents to 'rag rolling'......
Looks like I'm gonna have to bite the bullet and buy a book on how to use HTML... watch this space and get ready for a make-over....

THOUGHT OF THE DAY
Ive just been side-tracked by a comicstrip website that is absolutely wonderful! (- Sorry guys, I know it sounds like an ass-lick but dont you just Love Google and the way it can transport you to somewhere meaningful sometimes...?) And so I've spent the last thirty minutes laughing out loud. Its called HIV 'n Me -and I've had to list it in my links. Its author (Chris Companik) has supplied me with my blog's first aphorism:

I no longer say I'm "living with HIV" -- now I say "it's living with me.."

Too fucking true!! Cheers for that Chris - and please keep drawing those hilarious cartoons! "Keanutype Test", - indeed, LOL... I'll be laughing all day, especially having just seen Matrix Reloaded!....

ON BEACHES AND BEANFEAST...
UP early today, - a rare thing for me. My body clock of late has become more used to very late nights followed by sleep ins. I was drawn out of bed as much by the sound of Mr upstairs' bloody dogs barking as the promise of a hot summers day; - and here it is....
So Ive just been rummaging through the balcony cupboard and my suitcases looking for my favourite sandals. Found them, a hole in the back of the heel seeping a week of year-old sand from Sardinian beaches... What else did I find in my rummage? Two pairs of shorts, 3 pairs of still serviceable trousers and an orange cut-off Gap top which I hastily threw away. Oh and a packet of Bachelors Bolognese Beanfeast!(?). I'd taken it away on holiday with me last year on the offchance that I might get a dickie stomach and not be able to eat anything else (- for some reason I find soya protein readily digestible - despite warnings of GM foods - and so a good emergency supply for days when my digestive system is playing up...). I checked the expiry date, - March 2004 - , hmmm... I think I'll have it for my supper tonite - cant be any dodgier that the chemicals I already swallow twice daily! I'll also remenisce of sea, sand and one or two horny Sardinian encounters......

MIND THE CURB....
Ive just finished watching the third episode this week of Curb Your Enthusiasm. - what a hilarious show! - Its kept me up late watching tv the past three days. - shame its usually scheduled on BBC4 and thus probably about to vanish off terrestrial BBC after this week. Doh!... Best line of the week was from Mondays episode - "They're not breasts, they're big chemical balls." .... And in tonites episode, the wife of a businessman pornstar describes her home as "the house that cum built".... Had me in titters!... I can see a lot of expressions from that show finding their way into my vocabulary...

SHAKE, RATTLE, ROLL....
- The Thursday morning sounds of sorting a week of medications into the compartments of my dosset box. The bigger pills go in first, and are flattened to ensure I can slide the lids shut. Then the smaller ones go in, some of them to sit between the gaps left by the bigger ones -it's a tight squeeze. I have this routine off-pat now and after 5 years its an excercise less like a puzzle from Krypton factor!. Just one final count check, to make sure i havent missed a medication; 4, 2, 2,1, 1, thats it, all in..all sorted - quick press the buzzer! 12 minutes and 40 seconds - a new personal record!.
- Then just a quick check to make sure my supplies are in order. Yep plenty of AZT, plenty of Zalcitabine...hmmm a bit low on Norimode. If I'm low on anything, Ill make a note to call pharmacy 3 or 4 days before I run out and collect some more the following day.
- I'm given a 4 month supply of medications in one go. When prescribed, I take a months supply home with me and keep the rest on prescription at the pharmacy. There are a number of advantages to this. First I dont have to cart 4 white plastic bags of pills back with me from the hospital. Second, the monthly collect system is better for keeping track and making sure I dont run out. Thirdly, some of my medication has to be refridgerated if not used within a month. Thus it is stored in the Hospital's coolers and not mine.. -avoids those potentially embarrassing "what are those white bottles?" questions when a friend goes to get a beer from my fridge....
Thats It!, all done... drugs duty over for the week and I can now go out and get some of that lovely sun!......

INTERNET DATE CANCELLATION EXCUSE #213: (GAYDAR)
"sorry mate, me fish tank filters fucked...gonna have to cry off"
Index this one under the categories - Pets, Animals, Council (trailer-trash) shags, Poetic Aliteration

THE STORY SO FAR...
Some facts, figures and info to help contextualise my blog... This feature to be blogged weekly on Wednesdays. As of today;-
* I've been diagnosed HIV+ for 6 years and 8 months... Traditional HIV diaries go on about medications -so in terms of a combination therapy anecdote, that correlates statistically to about 35,000 pills popped (I average 20 a day). Assuming an average of two warm snacks a day over my lifetime, I can say this month that I've literally had more HIV pills than I've had hot dinners!
* I am feeling extremely healthy! More Science..... I have an undetectable viral load count (>50 as it is written in blood results, and the lower the better) and a CD4 count of about 670 (the higher the better) These two figures have tended to rule much of my medical history over the years as I have recieved the numbers from quarterly hospital visits. Just as Weathergirls tend to judge seasons by meteorological fluctuations (.."hmmmm... rainfall Higher than average for Spring, and temperatures Low"..) so my seasons and moods have been measured by the swings and falls of bloodcounts. My weather has been particularly good and mild of late. Much of it I put down to a healthier lifestyle - I gym a lot, no longer smoke, eat well, and have a very active, reasonably low-stress social life...
* I'd say about 90 people know of my HIV status. Of that sum, around 30 deal with me in hospitals, and 30 have come across me from various benefit claims, visits to social service and charitable agencies. The other 30 comprise of friends, friends of an ex (also positive), and some (not all) men that I've met on a casual basis for sex. On an average, thus, 1 person a month gets to know that I am HIV+.
None of my family know that I am HIV+. 2 of my best friends do not know that I am HIV+. 80% of my casual sexual encounters do not know that I am HIV+.... Those last figures bother me a bit, even though I play safe. I am hoping to drastically change some of these numbers in the near future..... And I wonder, how many more people will now know of my status having published this....

ERM..... WELCOME
Here we go. A new Blog. A big, deep intake of breath and start typing....
From the relative safety of anonymity of sorts, I thrust my HIV status into a public domain! My first thoughts are quite frivolous and typically gay - I must change that red band at the top of my chosen template - its not quite me.... (0range and blue - thats much better - this bit posted 31st may)

Heres my reasons/aims in writing the Blog, and I guess I'll return to this paragraph frequently and measure my success. Sorry if it sounds heavy - things get lighter (and funnier, i hope...) AND ITS NOT GONNA ALL BE ABOUT HIV.... but lets get the science bit out of the way....
* I seem to currently lead a life of slight inconsistencies, hidden facts and truths: - The common consequence of a medical condition that I'm open about to some, keep secret from others, etc. I intend to use this space to be totally truthful and honest about my Pozitive HIV status. To be upfront and open about the thoughts and actions that i bear in relation to it, do to come to terms with it, encounter as it has become one of my new lifetime companions...
* My current drug combinations often effect my memory and thought patterns. Not so bad right now, but I have my cloudy moments and it may get worse. I'm hoping the blog will as much serve in allowing me to remember the fun and interesting things I've been up to, as much as assist in my making sense of them....

I hope that by writing my thoughts and serving them up to a perceived virtual audience I'll more quickly come to better terms with my circumstances. And about time too, - ive been dioagnosed for nigh on 6 years, now, and still feel fairly naive to it all... Hopefully I'll learn to take responsibility for those inconsistencies and grow for the better accordingly. A big mission, I know, - but with the realisation that my main audience is myself (and any others I choose to direct to his site by way of testament, living or otherwise..) that mission will be evident in its very act of being written.. It'll be like coming out again, - but his time doing it properly...with anecdotes....and appropriate protection!...